the dreadful past..

As usual.. this latest update is about me expressing anything that is in mind.. well this time is about my hectic past.. the haunting memories that i can't get rid of.. since the year stepped into a brand new year (that is 2012). My life is completely flipped up side down.. literally.. well in relationships have their up's and down's and i did live after those relationships and all of them ended up breaking my pathetic heart.. but yea.. Sometimes i think that i really deserve that.. but sometimes i thought what that i do to deserve this.. for the past few days the memories of my last relationship.. still haunts me.. all the words he said..the sweet ones of course.. his velvet voice.. his beautiful laugh.. i miss it.. it hasn't been like this before.. with him its different.. really different.. i care for him a lot.. even if my friends say that i STILL love him.. i'm not really sure myself.. but when i think of it again.. i'm actually being used to this freaking heartbreaking moment.. but no one will ever understand all the heartbreaking moments that i've been through.. all the hope i've given.. all the love that i've shared.. all the sacrifice that i did.. at last stabbed in the heart is what i received as a reward.. it is true that "sometimes it lasts in love but sometimes it hurts instead" but why can't i have just one perfect person to love me and care for me as i loved and cared for them.. just one.. no one can understand what it feels like to be betrayed by someone you really depend on.. not once but multiple times.. it's not easy to recover to stand up again.. and act like nothing has happened.. people say forget the past and look ahead for the future to come.. do you think it's that easy? do you think a shattered heart can reassemble? do you think a broken heart can be patched that easily? do you think a crying soul can cope that fast? all there is left is regret.. yes i regret having a relationship at this age.. and this last relationship had forced me to break the heart of the person that i care.. i have been through so much pain.. not just emotionally but physically.. but this last relationship is the last time that i hurt my self hopefully.. love to me is torture.. pain is my friend.. trust is my enemy.. betrail is my routine.. and sadness is my happiness.. death is my happy ending.. </3