hypocrite???

I feel like i'm a hypocrite.. changing attitude... changing friends.. i become sometimes self centered.. eventhough my friends say i'm caring and blah.. blah..blahh.. but i don't think so..  cause sometimes i say mean things.. sometimes i do stuff that hurt my friends... and sometimes i don't apologize when i did wrong.. yes its true nobody's perfect but.. i don't think i'm doing my best for my friends and family.. so maybe i need to search my self.. my real personality.. so that i can be really satisfied with my self.. so to all my friends out there... i want to apologize first because maybe i won't be being my self in the time being.. i need time.. so if i'm keeping my distance from you guys.. i hope you guys understand..

If this was a small world

People say that this is a small world.. but for me.. i don't think so.. people say that because they sometimes met the people they knew a long time ago.. i have been waiting for that moment for ages..  every day i hope to see my first love again even if it was just for a minute.. it has been 5 years since i've seen him. and i miss him like hell.. if only he misses me too.. but that won't happen even in a million years. why? cause he moved on. guess what he already has a gorgeous girlfriend.. and i'm left behind... i'm not just saying that. i have proof.. in his birthday 28 of march i gathered my guts to wish him happy birthday on facebook.. the next day i checked and.... he deleted my birthday wish.. well that't so obvious that he hated me with his guts.. since that i didn't post anything to him anymore.. and i lost contact with him... but still until now i'm really hoping that one day.. that maybe... just maybe he wanted to have a fresh start and be friends again.. but until now still NOTHING.. and i realised that out of all my crush and ex boyfriends i never loved any guy more than him.. i realised that i will never forget him... because he is my first love.. and a quote once said... trying to forget someone you love is like trying to remember someone you don't know... so that is what i feel/think now.. i'm trapped with this sick feeling.. haunted with our past memories..  and can't get them out.. only solution is...... brainwash....        

Choices

Life has been made for us like a path.. all you need to do is choose.. choose a path for your own future..  you can choose either the straight path or the curvy path...your choice.. everyone wants to make the right choices for their own good.. but how are you supposed to know that the decision you made is the right choice?? well its easy actually.. you just need to consider the bad and the good.. the consequences.. the benefits... everything needs to be considered in order to make the right choice.. but in making choices some people don't think about those possibilities... instead they choose to follow their heart.. their instinct.. they choose based on what they want.. but not based on what is good for them.. therefore choose what is best for you.. don't make decisions in a stressful state.. that will just cause more damage.. calm your mind and start thinking.. that's the best way to have a better life... and remember that the choices we make today will create something new tomorrow.. 

                                                                                               

            

the dreadful past..

As usual.. this latest update is about me expressing anything that is in mind.. well this time is about my hectic past.. the haunting memories that i can't get rid of.. since the year stepped into a brand new year (that is 2012). My life is completely flipped up side down.. literally.. well in relationships have their up's and down's and i did live after those relationships and all of them ended up breaking my pathetic heart.. but yea.. Sometimes i think that i really deserve that.. but sometimes i thought what that i do to deserve this.. for the past few days the memories of my last relationship.. still haunts me.. all the words he said..the sweet ones of course.. his velvet voice.. his beautiful laugh.. i miss it.. it hasn't been like this before.. with him its different.. really different.. i care for him a lot.. even if my friends say that i STILL love him.. i'm not really sure myself.. but when i think of it again.. i'm actually being used to this freaking heartbreaking moment.. but no one will ever understand all the heartbreaking moments that i've been through.. all the hope i've given.. all the love that i've shared.. all the sacrifice that i did.. at last stabbed in the heart is what i received as a reward.. it is true that "sometimes it lasts in love but sometimes it hurts instead" but why can't i have just one perfect person to love me and care for me as i loved and cared for them.. just one.. no one can understand what it feels like to be betrayed by someone you really depend on.. not once but multiple times.. it's not easy to recover to stand up again.. and act like nothing has happened.. people say forget the past and look ahead for the future to come.. do you think it's that easy? do you think a shattered heart can reassemble? do you think a broken heart can be patched that easily? do you think a crying soul can cope that fast? all there is left is regret.. yes i regret having a relationship at this age.. and this last relationship had forced me to break the heart of the person that i care.. i have been through so much pain.. not just emotionally but physically.. but this last relationship is the last time that i hurt my self hopefully.. love to me is torture.. pain is my friend.. trust is my enemy.. betrail is my routine.. and sadness is my happiness.. death is my happy ending.. </3

imaginations?

Today.. i've been imagining too much.. i've been imagining about how is He over there.. i'v been imagining about school that is opening soon.. and mostly and suddenly.. i've been imagining my worst nightmare knowing my darkest secret ever.. and threatening me to do anything that he demand.. other than that.. i was also imagining the person who i was stupid enough to trust  one person that ALREADY knows my secret.. and threatening me as well.. or even worse telling my worse nightmare about it.. gosh i don't know if i was PMS-ing or what..but i was scared of that thought.. i hope that imagination or deja vu or karma or whatever comes true.. cause if it does.. god who knows what will happen to my freaking life.. everytime the thought crossed my mind i shivered.. scared of my own imagination.. hmph pathetic.. gosh i really.. really hope it dosen't come true.. i can't imagine myself trapped.. and my secret lies in his hands.. i don't want to think about it.. but i can;t keep it out of my mind.. and that jerk fantasia.. just keep bothering me.. i can't avoid him forever.. i just hope someone will just please save me or protect me or do something with that jerk.. 

Guilt T_T

After the cruel break up (what i think).. guilt just haunts me where ever i go.. i can't get him out of my freaking head.. gosh.. i didn't know if he forgave me or not..  i broke up by sending a text message.. cause i was such a coward to tell him myself.. but after the text message was sent.. i waited and waited for days for him to reply.. but a week and half later.. he responded.. he wrote what appeared like a poem.. by the time i red it.. it was a relief plus a heart stabbing moment.. a relief that he understood me.. it was heart stabbing because he was hurt because of me.. by the meaning of the poem he wrote.. it appears like he was really hurt.. i didn't like the mistake that i've done this time..  we did chat on facebook.. but not like the usual.. it was awkward.. but he did said that i was forgiven.. but eventhough he said that.. i'm still not convinced.. i was guilty.. i blame my self for what has happened.. even my friend told me that i's not my fault.. but still.. i  fell like it is my fault.. i can't just blame him.. i know he did hurt my feelings.. he did cheated on me.. he did ignored me.. but still it was my fault.. i can't bare to see someone hurt because of me.. i don't care if i got hurt.. but i can't.. i just can't see anyone hurt because of me.. but i thank all my buddies that support me all the way to always be strong.. thank you guys.. especially http://juziana.blogspot.com/ (Adrina) she's awesome.. luv ya my lovely sistah!  gosh.. sometimes i wonder why did feelings exist.. if feelings exist just to end up in missery i think i'll take the chance living without any feelings.. but sometimes watching my buddies happy with their companion makes me happy.. they look cute together.. but me.. i think i'll just live solo.. ^_^ well that's all.. chiao miha..

what happened to us?

We used to be friends.. best friends.. you moved and left me alone in this cruel world.. even worse you left without saying goodbye.. i thought you had something towards me.. but i was wrong.. months felt like years without you.. i didn't forget you.. but i suppose you already forgotten about me.. months past you finally decided to contact me back.. but it wasn't like how we used to be.. awkwardness existed between us.. i hated it.. i consider you moved on.. so did i.. once i got a hold of myself you came back.. why? after all this time.. you denied our friendship.. you ignored me one you found new friends.. you forgotten about our memories together.. you were the one who protected me.. you were the one who always cheered me up.. what happened to all of that? you've changed.. a lot.. you're not like the person i used to know.. you said you had feelings towards me before you moved.. and yes i admit it.. i did have a drop of feelings towards you.. i didn't show because i like the way we were friends. now everything has changed.. yes we are together.. but from my point of view.. it dosen't seem like we are together.. yes its a long distance relationship.. but this relationship was supposed to make us closer.. but you always keep your distance.. always having boundaries. always avoiding me.. now ignoring me.. i feel like i'm nothing to you.. i feel like we never even met.. do you even care for me? do i ever cross your mind? don't you remember our precious memories together back then? do you even love me like the way you said it? or is it just another lie you made up? what did i do to deserve this? is it because of revenge because someone else got to me first before you? i don't know but after all the things you did.. i don't know why i feel the pain stabbing my heart and crushing it into million pieces.. i don't know if i still love you or not? if you want revenge congrats cause you've got it.. i asked permission to let me go.. but you didn't want to.. what do you want exactly? you want to torture me? or do you really love me? tell me the truth because i can't live in questions forever.. if i can just tell you what i really feel.. you'll get hurt and i'll never forgive myself for what i have done.. it's my fault that i accepted that propose.. we should have stayed as friends... its my mistake that i didn't see that coming.. its my fault that i ignored you.. its my fault that this happened.. i'm the one to blame.. but i won't ever let you get hurt because of me.. for that i can bare the pain and carry this burden and let you live your happy life.. i don't know but maybe i still love you.. and i'm so sorry if i did something that hurt you feelings. i'm so sorry..  

LIES!!!!!!!!!!!

lies that hide within us can sometimes kill us..  i'm not talking about lies like pranks.. i'm talking the lies that connects to feelings. why do we lie? we lie to keep our precious secrets, we lie to protect the people we love, we lie to be considerate, we lie because we don't want anyone to worry! lying is sinful.. but we lie to everyone.. to our friends, our family, our lovers, and ourselves.. when its hard to accept something impossible we lie to ourselves. when we don't want to hurt our friends worry we say that were okay.. deep inside we're hurting like hell. we lie to our family so we don't hurt their feelings. we lie everyday.  our daily routine. we even live in lies. i hate lies but i have to lie because if i don't i seriously screwed.. that's why i live within the stupid lies.. i hate lying but i have to because i care for everyone i know.. and i sometimes lie to people or to you because i love you. but you lie just to cover your faults..  we live with lies.. and lie more to everyone.. i think that liars don't have a heart.. I DON'T HAVE A HEART!

       

L0vE !

At first i agreed with the concept of love.. But that was way behind. Now i realised the motive and the reason why love exist.. And now the meaning Love is a sensitive subject to talk about.. based on my experience i fell in love a few times in my teenage journey. But i got stuck so deeply in one relationship.. the relationship that i really wished that it could end. it wasn't officially a Relationship just a tense crush. But HE picked someone else over me. And i admit it was torturing and painful.. maybe it wasn't painful physically but inside my heart my soul was crushed.. the pain was more painful than being stabbed a million times in the HEART. i didn't know why i was stuck.. i was heart broken i was depressed and frustrated when he betrayed me but i  convinced my self to think positive and to be considerate throw my ego far-far away. And i thought about sacrifice in Love. So i sacrificed my love and i let HIM go and wishing they will be together for a long time. It was hard but i tried with determination and strength to keep going on.  Eventhough, the pain still lingers in me. i fought with maximum courage. But i failed every time. i thought i was about to win but i fell right on my feet. The part that hurts the most is seeing HIM everyday in school. but we we're friends.  But I am with someone else. since he has  someone to cheer him up why can't i. But My companion was away forever. we can't meet cause he is far-far away.. but i prayed everyday that he could be by my side every single day and make the sorrow disappear and cheer me up when i was in a bad mood and protect me from all the other violent boys in school. I really want to forget him and concentrate on my own companion. But day by day it was getting worse. i tried the alternate way to forget him that is by lying to me self and coping my self to hate him. but deeply inside i still had feelings for him. i am confused i didn't know what to do.. i didn't want to endanger my relationship. i have to do something but i don't know what.. that is why to me Love is painful.. and unforgettable 

ending it.

so i decided to stop the story for good. cause, that story was actually based on real story. based on real experience. so things didn't got better. so i decided to suddenly end this story. so yeah, i'm gonna tell other kinds of story i guess. but in every story will have some advice  and tips. i promise.