the dreadful past..

As usual.. this latest update is about me expressing anything that is in mind.. well this time is about my hectic past.. the haunting memories that i can't get rid of.. since the year stepped into a brand new year (that is 2012). My life is completely flipped up side down.. literally.. well in relationships have their up's and down's and i did live after those relationships and all of them ended up breaking my pathetic heart.. but yea.. Sometimes i think that i really deserve that.. but sometimes i thought what that i do to deserve this.. for the past few days the memories of my last relationship.. still haunts me.. all the words he said..the sweet ones of course.. his velvet voice.. his beautiful laugh.. i miss it.. it hasn't been like this before.. with him its different.. really different.. i care for him a lot.. even if my friends say that i STILL love him.. i'm not really sure myself.. but when i think of it again.. i'm actually being used to this freaking heartbreaking moment.. but no one will ever understand all the heartbreaking moments that i've been through.. all the hope i've given.. all the love that i've shared.. all the sacrifice that i did.. at last stabbed in the heart is what i received as a reward.. it is true that "sometimes it lasts in love but sometimes it hurts instead" but why can't i have just one perfect person to love me and care for me as i loved and cared for them.. just one.. no one can understand what it feels like to be betrayed by someone you really depend on.. not once but multiple times.. it's not easy to recover to stand up again.. and act like nothing has happened.. people say forget the past and look ahead for the future to come.. do you think it's that easy? do you think a shattered heart can reassemble? do you think a broken heart can be patched that easily? do you think a crying soul can cope that fast? all there is left is regret.. yes i regret having a relationship at this age.. and this last relationship had forced me to break the heart of the person that i care.. i have been through so much pain.. not just emotionally but physically.. but this last relationship is the last time that i hurt my self hopefully.. love to me is torture.. pain is my friend.. trust is my enemy.. betrail is my routine.. and sadness is my happiness.. death is my happy ending.. </3

imaginations?

Today.. i've been imagining too much.. i've been imagining about how is He over there.. i'v been imagining about school that is opening soon.. and mostly and suddenly.. i've been imagining my worst nightmare knowing my darkest secret ever.. and threatening me to do anything that he demand.. other than that.. i was also imagining the person who i was stupid enough to trust  one person that ALREADY knows my secret.. and threatening me as well.. or even worse telling my worse nightmare about it.. gosh i don't know if i was PMS-ing or what..but i was scared of that thought.. i hope that imagination or deja vu or karma or whatever comes true.. cause if it does.. god who knows what will happen to my freaking life.. everytime the thought crossed my mind i shivered.. scared of my own imagination.. hmph pathetic.. gosh i really.. really hope it dosen't come true.. i can't imagine myself trapped.. and my secret lies in his hands.. i don't want to think about it.. but i can;t keep it out of my mind.. and that jerk fantasia.. just keep bothering me.. i can't avoid him forever.. i just hope someone will just please save me or protect me or do something with that jerk.. 

Guilt T_T

After the cruel break up (what i think).. guilt just haunts me where ever i go.. i can't get him out of my freaking head.. gosh.. i didn't know if he forgave me or not..  i broke up by sending a text message.. cause i was such a coward to tell him myself.. but after the text message was sent.. i waited and waited for days for him to reply.. but a week and half later.. he responded.. he wrote what appeared like a poem.. by the time i red it.. it was a relief plus a heart stabbing moment.. a relief that he understood me.. it was heart stabbing because he was hurt because of me.. by the meaning of the poem he wrote.. it appears like he was really hurt.. i didn't like the mistake that i've done this time..  we did chat on facebook.. but not like the usual.. it was awkward.. but he did said that i was forgiven.. but eventhough he said that.. i'm still not convinced.. i was guilty.. i blame my self for what has happened.. even my friend told me that i's not my fault.. but still.. i  fell like it is my fault.. i can't just blame him.. i know he did hurt my feelings.. he did cheated on me.. he did ignored me.. but still it was my fault.. i can't bare to see someone hurt because of me.. i don't care if i got hurt.. but i can't.. i just can't see anyone hurt because of me.. but i thank all my buddies that support me all the way to always be strong.. thank you guys.. especially http://juziana.blogspot.com/ (Adrina) she's awesome.. luv ya my lovely sistah!  gosh.. sometimes i wonder why did feelings exist.. if feelings exist just to end up in missery i think i'll take the chance living without any feelings.. but sometimes watching my buddies happy with their companion makes me happy.. they look cute together.. but me.. i think i'll just live solo.. ^_^ well that's all.. chiao miha..